Dear Q.R.

My balls ache something terrible. What’s going on? Do I have an extended case of blue balls? I asked my lover to suck me off. He said “no;” I said “please;” and now he’s pissed. What’s wrong with my balls? What’s wrong with my man?

Dull Ache Down Under

Dear Dull Ache Down Under,

The only thing sucking is your attitude. Don’t blame your lover. All too often, men complain about their “blue balls” as though it is some sort of excuse to get their sweetheart to bend over and give it to them. “Urgh, you’re making me ache. Look what you’re doing to me. Blah Blah Blah.” This behavior more than sucks–it blows.

Now, on to some of the reasons your balls might ache…

As one dear friend I took to the hospital learned, balls ache for all sorts of reasons. Here are several:

1) Kicked in the Balls: Sounds like you have a smack in the nuts coming. Whether you’re kicked, head-butt, racked, or whatever, if you took a blow to the family jewels they’re going to hurt. Your balls can bruise and swell..

2) Microorganisms: Yep. All sorts of tiny little creatures struggle to find a home in your balls. Bacteria can go from your urinary system to into your nuts, and if they do, antibiotics are recommended.

3) Swollen Veins: The veins in your testicles can become varicose (you know, like the veins on your Grandpa’s swollen legs…). Try wearing supportive pants or a jock strap to cut down on the pain.

4) A Fluid Bag: You can also develop a bag of see-through liquid around the testicles that if large enough may need to be surgically removed.

5) Testicular Torsion: Sometimes your testicles get all twisted up and blood supply gets cut off. Everything swells—which sometimes corrects itself. If the twistiness does not correct itself, the balls can die within 6 hours without blood.

6) Blockage (blue balls): Sometimes getting horny without getting off creates a blockage in the sperm-delivery-tubes creating a dull, thumping ache. Don’t be an asshole and demand a blowjob if this happens to you. Jerk-off. You’ll feel better.

Other possible diagnoses include hernias, kidney stones, and testicular cancer.

Long story short, if you have ongoing pain in your balls, don’t be afraid to get it checked out. Nobody wants to bury his balls at a young age.

Yours in Balling,

Q.R.