Dear Slutty-Pants Fence Sitter,

I love the movement of individuals who are claiming their fat identities! In our culture that promotes strictly emaciated (or ripped, as the case may be) and nubile images of “beauty”, I think it is so important for people who don’t fit the mold to stand up and declare themselves as beautiful too!

I am often really attracted to folks who are “big” by these standards, which is the majority of people in the US by far, but there is a line, usually the waist-line, at which my attraction hits a sudden stop. While it’s certainly possible that it’s just not “my type”, as I have been conditioned to be attracted to “skinny” people, my bet is that it’s a bunch of bullshit and, actually, I don’t know what I’m missing!

In addition to my socialized preferences, when I’m hanging out with hot fat people I can’t help but want to make fat comments. It feels so fucked up to say it! But it’s true that when I’m wanting to throw some sarcasm into the conversation, as I often do, the first things that come to mind are fat jokes/comments.

I’m sick of being controlled by these insidious notions, but I don’t know what to do…

QueerRadical, how can I support fat-pride in all its beauty?

And how can I love some fat and eat it too?!?!?!?

Wanting some “more-to-love”,
-Fat-Phobic to Fat-Tastic

Oh My FPFT,

If you like humiliation, go get your lube cause I’m about to shove some serious critical fat down your skinny bony throat.

Speaking as a chubby faggot (by society’s standards that is), my fucking hot self has too much love on my plate to deal with the pandering desires of politically correct fat-phobes wishing they could be chub chasers out of some perverse liberal solidarity with my fabulous fat body.

It’s true that you and many others are conditioned to find fat people ugly, undesirable, grotesque, and repulsive. No shit Sherlock. Many people in this fucked up United States are fat. Are you missing out on lots of action? Yes. Is fucking a person you’ve been trained to find repulsive in order to show solidarity with our movement and deal with your own neurosis appropriate?  Big fat fuck, no.

Fantasy and desire are not always compatible with solidarity. You prove that well. Now that that’s cleared up, let me try to answer your question.

After acknowledging the fact that you’re an ideologically fucked up, neurotic pervert that still wants to do it with fat people and you’re ok with that, try jerking off to fat porn. Jerk off to it a lot. Fantasize about us a lot. Put up fat people posters in your room and fat people porn under your pillow. If you really get into it, some fat people don’t mind fat fetish chubby-chasers, in fact, they’ll probably treat you right.

Now, if you do find some fat person you want to fuck and you land them in bed, don’t tell them they look like a beached whale. If you do, you’ll have every mother fucking fat person in this country flushing your skinny little ass down the fucking toilet and into the sewers where you belong. We’ll laugh like Santa Clause as we watch you gurgle in our fat ass poop. So watch it Mr. Bony. Don’t make us go, “Ho Ho Ho.”

You say you want to insult us and yet be free from the ethical implications of making inappropriate comments (aka being human shit). Why don’t you try BDSM? Go find a chubby person who likes being verbally humiliated, create a contract where you can do that, and get to work. Be as big an asshole as you and your chubby buddy like.

Whatever you do, over tea, don’t tell fat people fat jokes, suggest that our faces are beautiful, our personalities are amazing, or that we too deserve to be considered hot and expect us to like you in the sack unless we’ve agreed we want you to treat us like shit.

So look pencil-neck, the next time you’re looking to have a 220 pound man rip you a new one, why don’t you skip the political posturing, come over to my place, and let me lacerate your skinny, PC ass till you’re fat with scars. Then, you can call yourself a Fat Pride Ally.

In solidarity with political perversion, consensual BDSM, and honest people like you,

Fat Queer Radical