Dear Slutty-Pants Fence-Humper,

How do I make asking for consent a turn-on for me and my partner?

I’ve read the zines, I’ve practiced, I’ve even attended an Eroticizing Consent workshop. But my awkward asking woes don’t seem to be disappearing very fast. It feels like the questions and check-ins are separate from the sex, instead of part of it. Any advice for turning obligatory questions into sexy talk?

Consensually,
Awkward Asker

Dear Awkward Asker,

Look my awkward nerdy nerd, don’t underestimate what a turn on an awkward question can be. Thinking about it gets me frisky. Would you like me to frisk you?

So you’ve gone to the workshops, read the zines, and practiced practiced practiced. A+ for effort.  But have patience young Sigh-Talker. The first rule of good sex is that nothing should feel obligatory. Your answer’s in your question. Don’t think “consent talk.” Think “DIRTY TALK!” Think “I wanna talk dirty to you? Would you like that?” If the answer’s yes, proceed to, “God I wanna fuck you. You want that?” If the answer’s yes, go for it.  If no, rejection’s all part of pleasure. Get used to it. Perhaps you should have asked about your partner’s day first.

You and all the rest of us in this fucked up world get bludgeoned by the idea that for sex to be hot it has to be smooth. Hollywood speaketh: “Smootheth is the NATURALeth way two peopleth in loveth shall acteth in union.” Well Awkward Asker (have I mentioned how turned I am by awkward people???), “natural sex” is for 1-Partner-For-Life Fundamentalist Christians. These fuddy-duddies get so thrilled with the fact that they “found the one” that they don’t care that they’re a bad lay. Who needs technique, lube, or consent when you have “unconditional love” and the Good Lord’s forgiveness?

But what if you live in a world where water is water, wine is wine, and celibates aren’t the only people with an ear to the Great Bearded Daddy-Faggot in the sky? In our world, where virgin couples don’t accidentally erupt into spontaneous simultaneous orgasms after the hubby pokes his penis into his wife’s vagina without foreplay (you know, natural, healthy, Christian sex…), sex can be awkward, really fucking awkward, farting, kneeing, goofy awkward. And then it can get really fucking hot.

Have I mentioned I find awkwardness hot?

So once you’re comfortable with being uncomfortable in your body…you know awkward… it’s pretty hot you know…figure out what you like in the sack and chat it up with your partner. Tell them what you like and ask them what they like. Do you/they like a Chatty Cathy, a Bossy Beatrice, a Sally Submissive, a Romantic Raquel, or a Silent Susan? Some of the basic questions (top/bottom, kink/vanilla, biting/sucking/pecking/licking, etc…) can be asked either ahead of time or in the moment. The more specific the question, the hotter and the better the answer will be.

“Do you want me to spank you?”

If the answer’s yes, start slow and grow “On a scale from 1 to 10 how hard?” After your first soft spank say “Rate that on a scale from 1 to 10.” After they do, work your way up or down depending.

If the answer’s, “Mmm…probably not right now,” then say, “Is there something else you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“How bout a hug?” Or, “How bout a rim job?” Or, “How bout blood sports?” Whatever’s safe and comfortable for your partner and you.

Play your way from there. Making specific suggestions makes communication way less awkward than worn out lines like, “What do you like?” While they can be useful for more experienced players, those open ended questions often leave too much ambiguity in the answers. If someone says “I like everything but shit,” and then you piss in their eye (something they forgot to mention they loath), you might have a discontent partner.  For folks who don’t have a check-list up their sleave, getting specific works best.

Let’s start with a simple scenario. Let’s start with a kiss.

Vanilla hot: “May I kiss you?”

A bit kinkier: “Fuck, I wanna kiss you. Do you wanna kiss me?.”

Kinkier still. “Can I talk dirty to you?” They nod. “Good. I wanna stick my tongue so far up your asshole that I scrape it on your teeth. Would you like that you dirty little, pussy eating faggot?”  (Don’t forget Saran Wrap.)

Many bottoms love to be bossed about. In your best baby whiny voice mew “I want you to kiss me Daddy.”

Particularly in a BDSM context, where NO doesn’t always mean NO, having something that DOES mean NO is essential. That’s where safe words come in.

I know, I know, you’ve heard it a million times, but nothing feels safer or easier when you’re lacerating someone’s behind than a RED (Stop Now), Yellow (Slow the fuck down), or Green (Gimmee Gimmee Gimmee). If someone says ouch, in a vanilla context, you might stop and say “What’s wrong?” If every time someone flinched when you were spanking them, you checked-in with an, “Is this ok,” you’ll have one cranky bottom who’ll not be playing with you again. In fact, your nagging would violate the scene you consented to play.

In a BDSM context, a great way to introduce safe-words is for the top to make them part of the scene.

“Say it after me, you Awkward Nelly Queer, RED. Got it? Good. Say that if you want things to stop. Again. If you want things to stop, what do you say? That’s right. RED, faggot. Red.”

Don’t forget, curiosity didn’t kill the cat on its own. Curiosity got the cat laid till it purred its last breath from fucking exhaustion, rather, exhaustion from fucking. The Cat should have learned better self care.

Don’t forget to ask lots of short questions helping your partner guide what you’re doing. “Faster? Slower? Harder? Softer? More? Less? Keep going?” When they scream, “That’s it. That’s right,” you’ll know you were not only fucking them consensually but also well.

Oh, and by the way, thanks for asking. Silly me. I forgot to mention that I find awkwardness hot.